I hate who I’ve become

Perhaps hate is a strong word. A better way of putting it is that I am sad at where I am. I don’t know what led me here. All I know is it breaks my heart that I have become so cynical and negative.

This morning, not even an hour ago, I was walking from the parking garage to my office when a man on the corner asked me for a quarter to help pay for a bus ride. Immediately the standard answers almost came to the surface. “I don’t have any change” or whatever. Now I didn’t actually have a quarter but it was the fact that I didn’t want to give it even if I did. 

Through my life something has Jaded me. I think I know more about people in need than I do. I operate on an auto pilot assumption that says they are that way by choice. All of them. I have been had many times by scam artists who pan handle for a living and so I lump everyone into that category. In the end, I don’t think I am selfish or even hateful, I just don’t want to be made a fool of. But today I made a decision.

I would rather be a fool of generosity than a steward of cynicism. It’s not my job to know the intentions of other peoples hearts, only my own. I didn’t have a quarter but I did have a dollar…I hope that bus got him wherever he needed to go.